When the ship is holed, let the man who can swim swim.
Gildas DE EXCIDIO BRITONUM translated by Michael Winterbottom
CHAPTER 23 THE PHONE
Oh hi there. Good to see you again. Wait a mo, I’ll get the screen resized. There we are. Well you’re looking great. Got time to chat have you?
What are you doing now? Still in the Central Domain Support System?
Really? That’s good. DDT, that’s the Directorate of Demand Tracking? Yes I thought it was.
Yes I’m here. Still getting my feet under the desk really. Haven’t a clue what they did here.
“Oh yes. Picking it all up. All these departments are pretty similar.
“Oh yes. Letting em know who’s Boss. Put em in their place. Marking my territory. I’ve done a lot of pissing on the lampposts.
Yes I’ve re-organised all the teams. Amalgamated them, moved em round. Told em it’s all for greater streamlining and efficiency.
Oh yes. I think if you move all the desks round and give em all new jobs to do it stops em getting too expert.
Well yes. I don’t want any of em saying they have the experience and stuff do I. They’ll be telling me I’m going wrong or something. Can’t have that.
And I’ve made a big thing about the size of my chair. I’ve made em get me a really big one.
Yes. I’m enthroned in my new department. Yes, good one.
Oh God yes. Meetings galore. It gives em something to do.
I think they just accept it now. They’ve all got the glazed look. They won’t be any trouble.
Oh yes. Re-organisation and change are good for you. I keep telling them that
Well if I don’t know what I’m doing yet I don’t want them to do I.
And I’ve been sending them all on courses
Oh Lord knows. “Competences For The Line Manager”, and “Accelerated Deployability Visibility In The Modern Supply Chain”. All that sort of thing. And “Individual Stress Management” of course. Ha! Yes.
No I don’t suppose any of these courses are any good, but they get a certificate for some of them. Its something they can put on their cubicle dividers. Gives em something to strive for I think. Gives em a sense of having accomplished something. I don’t suppose any of them have much really.
The filing system?
Yes I suppose we must have one.
Really. I hadn’t thought of that. I’m not really into computers.
Yes there’s a tame Major here could do that.
“I’ll tell him to….Let me write that down. A new filing system to reflect the modern realities of the department. Yes that’s great. He can re number all the paper files as well.
Security? Well…
Oh right. Yes I could complain about that. Calendars and posters stuck onto filing cabinets. Could cover holes where spies have drilled in to get out our files.
Yes that’s great.
Oh yes. I’ve had the health and safety man over the coals.
Well I hate bloody pot plants. The place was full of em. Could easily fall off a cupboard and hit someone. And photo’s of children on peoples desks, I hate that sort of thing. Makes everything look so scruffy. And I’ve said all the window sills should be cleared as well.
Yes of course. Or land on the floor and trip someone up.
Well I just don’t like bloody pot plants.
Any way, the thing is this. I know I’ve just got here, and I know I should stay here for at least a year, but something nasty is heaving itself over the horizon.
A space ship.
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